HERE ARE SOME PRETTY GOOD JOKES.
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A crowded United flight was
> cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced
> travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He
> slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
HAVE to be on
this
> flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS. " The agent
replied, "I'm sorry
> sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help
these
folks
> first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out." The
passenger
> was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him
> could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the
> gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I
have
> your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the
> terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO
> HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to the
> gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing
hysterically, the
man
> glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore,
"F*** you!"
> Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,
sir, but you'll
> have to stand in line for that, too."
> A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over
lawyers he would
>> see walking down the side of the road. Every time he
would see a
>> lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit
him, and there
>> would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would
swerve back on the road.
>>> One day, as the truck driver was driving along he
saw a priest hitch
>> hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled
the truck over.
>>> He asked the priest, "Where are you going,
Father?".
>>> "I`m going to the church 5 miles down the
road," replied the priest.
>>> "No problem, Father! I`ll give you a lift.
Climb in the truck."
>>> The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and
the truck driver
>> continued down the road.
>>> Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down
the road and
>> instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he
remembered there was
>> a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he
swerved back
>> to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he
was certain
>> he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD." Not understanding
>> where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and
when he didn`t
>> see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
>>> "I`m sorry Father. I almost hit that
lawyer."
>>> "That`s okay," replied the priest. "I
got him with the door."
>>> *******
>
>
> What do lawyers use for birth control?
>* Their personalities.
>
> What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
>* A tick falls off of you when you die.
>>
> Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and
their
>> clients?
>>
> * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
essentially
>> the same service.
>>
> What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their
neck in sand?
>
>> * Not enough sand.
>>
> What`s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a
dead
>> lawyer in the middle of the road?
>>
> * There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
>
>> Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
>
>> * If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched,
>> they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up
everything
>> forever.
>>
> Lawyer`s creed:
>
>> * A man is innocent until proven broke.
>
>> What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
>
>> * Skeet.
>
>> You`re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and
a lawyer. You
>> have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
>
>> * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Virus Alerts
=--=
Lewinsky Virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits every
aspect of your computer.
Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.
Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.
Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
Viagra Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Clinton Virus:
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to
say the
help
desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing
the
WordPerfect
organization for "termination without cause".
This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the
screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it
have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power
cord goes
into it.
"Can you see that?"
"Yes, I can."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into
the
wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the
other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back
of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in
from the
window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now.
"Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a
computer."
JOKE BREAK ...Fun with Words
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool!
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
IRS - Be audit you can be!
TOP
FUNNY LAWS FROM AROUND THE UNITED STATES ! ! !
These are real standing laws from around the United
States of America.
Arizona:
1. If you stop at a residence and ask for water and they don't
give it to you. You can sue and win.
2. if you catch someone stealing a horse they can be hung.
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over
65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your
hands.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars
to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as
pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house
or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at
least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than,
five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober"
until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in
your pocket.
Louisana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the
bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple
assault," while biting someone with your false teeth
is "aggravated assault."
TOP
> BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
>
> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
> FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
> ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
>
> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
> FAULT: Improper bladder control.
> ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
>
> SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
> FAULT: Glass empty.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>
> SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
> FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
> ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
>
> SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
> FAULT: You have fallen forward.
> ACTION: See above.
>
> SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
> FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
> ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
>
> SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
> FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>
> SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
> FAULT: You are being carried out.
> ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
>
> SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
> FAULT: Bar has closed.
> ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
>
> SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
> FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
> ACTION: Cover mouth.
>
> SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
> FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
> ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
>
> SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
> FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
> ACTION: Punch him.
>
> SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
> FAULT: You have been in a fight.
> ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
>
> SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
> FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
> ACTION: See if they have free beer.
>
> SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
> FAULT: The beer is too weak.
> ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
>
> SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
> FAULT: Beer is just right.
> ACTION: Play air guitar.
TOP
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need a different suggestion."
"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii, and when I
returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but ..."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda, and when I
returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but..."
"And the year before that, when I went to Bali, I returned
and my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but..."
"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year so
that I can bring her with me?"
Husband & Wife
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks,
buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now
she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking him
how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of
the
mirror,
now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically,
the
husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between
your
breasts
for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper, and
stands
in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How
long will this
take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of
years," he
replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper
between
my
breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"
she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't
it?"
-------------------
A LITTLE REFLECTION ON LIFE AS A MALE...
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was
no
passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for
life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all
the
time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some
stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull
that
I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed
from
one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad,
impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me
miserable
as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very
energetic,
but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some
ambition.
I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on
the
ground
and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and
took
everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.
Hope you all enjoy! Al
MEN and WOMAN .... The Differences
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for
lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack
will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.
None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap,
and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out
to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
This will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the
plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
TOP
Betty Crocker
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the
house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat
dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little
household repairs that most husbands take care of. This
frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she
said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look
at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The
tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her
husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the
disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once
again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her
husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey,
the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again
was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag
repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called
three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the
washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had
the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much
is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I
could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with
them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
There was this woman with huge breasts who was always being
harassed and whistled at by men. She had had enough of this and
decided to join a convent.
One day during the summer the heat was unbearable. Since she was
in her office, and no one was there, she took off her clothes
exposing her breasts.
Her secretary buzzed her on the phone and said, "Sister
Mary-Francis, the blind man is here." She thought for a
second and decided to allow the blind man to come in. She figured
since he was blind she would not need to get dressed.
When he entered, he said, "WOW! Those are the most beautiful
breasts I've ever seen. Now, where do you want me to put the
blinds?"
TOP
Elephant Penis
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to
get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks
down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough
examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she
says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis
are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment
available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting
the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would
you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought
of going through life without being able to have sex is just too
much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice
restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the
table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets
progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve
some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants
again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was
impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I
don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
TOP
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While this woman's husband was at work, her husbands best friend
stops by. They talk for a while, and finally he asks her to have
sex with him. She says, "Well, I've always been attracted to
you, but it wouldn't be right." The man quickly replies,
"what if I gave you five thousand dollars?" The Woman
thinks to herself that they could definately use the extra money,
so she agrees under the condition that her husband would never
find out. Excited, the man sets the time for the very next day
while the husband is at work again.
The next day comes around, and sure enough the husband's best
friend shows up. He rails the wife for a long time and gives her
the five thousand dollars. Later on that night, the husband comes
home from work. He doesn't say anything to his wife at first and
then he asks, "Was my best friend here today?"
The wife replies, "Ummm, yeah." The husband asks,
"Did he give you five thousand dollars?" Confused and
ashamed, the wife answers, "Yes he did."
The husband looks relieved and says, "Good. He came in this
morning and asked me if he could borrow it, but promised to give
it back to you by the end of the day."
TOP
You know you're a
Redneck if...":
...The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than
your
spouse.
...You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner
table in
front of her kids.
...You've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.
...You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls
on a different
night.
...Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired
People".
...You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
...You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
...Anyone in your family ever died right after saying:
"Hey, y'all watch this!"
...You've got more than one brother named "Darryl".
...You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
...Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
...You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
...Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
...You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISTRACTION
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down
the highway the guy asked the girl, "If I go 100 miles an
hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agreed to and he
began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100, she started to
strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring
at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car.
The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and
her boyfriend were still trapped in the car. "Go get
help," he pleaded. She replied, "I can't, I'm
naked." He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and
said, "Cover your privates with that and go get help."
She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station
down the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to
the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The
attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and
replied, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's too far in."
TOP
I Hear You Knocking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just
had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended
up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the
personals in the newspaper.
She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave
me, and is excellent in bed."
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then,
one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the
door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and
saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I
help you?" she asked.
He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."
"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect
man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs,
so I can never leave you."
"But are you good in bed?" she asked.
He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"
> Country
Technology for Country Folk
>
> 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
> 2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
> 3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
> 4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
> 5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gittin the far wood.
> 6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.
> 7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
> 8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time.
> 9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
> 10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
> 11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
> 12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
> 13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
> 14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag.
> 15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
> 16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
> 17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
> 18 KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
> 19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
> 20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
> 21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
> 22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
> 23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
> 24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid
fer the
> rifle when yore wife asks.
> 25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
A couple is married fifty years, and the whole time the wife
keeps a locked chest at the foot of their bed. She has the only
key, and she keeps it on a chain around her neck. Every time her
husband asks what's in the chest, she changes the subject.
Finally, after a party celebrating their fiftieth wedding
anniversary, he asks her again, and this time she finally opens
the chest.
Inside are two ears of corn and $25,000. He says, "What's
with the two ears of corn?"
She says, "In the fifty years, every time I cheated on you,
I put in an ear of corn."
He figures two ears of corn in fifty years isn't too bad.
Then he says, "What about the $25,000?"
She says, "Well, every time I got a bushel, I sold it."
TOP
17 DAYS
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously
celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to
offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one
say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says: "Congratulations! What's so
special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been
spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5
years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
>>Why do blondes wear so much hair spray?
A:To catch all the things that go over their heads.
