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The technicians' page
A crowded United flight was
> cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of
> travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
> slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
> flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS. " The agent replied, "I'm sorry
> sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these
> first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The
> was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him
> could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the
> gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I
> your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
> terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
> HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the
> gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the
> glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
> Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
> have to stand in line for that, too."
> A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over
lawyers he would
>> see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a
>> lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there
>> would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
>>> One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch
>> hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
>>> He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
>>> "I`m going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
>>> "No problem, Father! I`ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
>>> The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
>> continued down the road.
>>> Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
>> instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was
>> a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back
>> to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain
>> he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding
>> where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn`t
>> see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
>>> "I`m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
>>> "That`s okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
> What do lawyers use for birth control?
>* Their personalities.
> What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
>* A tick falls off of you when you die.
> Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
> * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially
>> the same service.
> What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
>> * Not enough sand.
> What`s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
>> lawyer in the middle of the road?
> * There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
>> Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
>> * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
>> they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
> Lawyer`s creed:
>> * A man is innocent until proven broke.
>> What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
>> * Skeet.
>> You`re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
>> have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
>> * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits every
aspect of your computer.
Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.
Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.
Your whole computer goes down.
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
Computer help desk:
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the
desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the
organization for "termination without cause".
This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
"Can you see that?"
"Yes, I can."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
"Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."
Fun with words
JOKE BREAK ...Fun with Words
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool!
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
IRS - Be audit you can be!
FUNNY LAWS FROM AROUND THE UNITED STATES ! ! !
These are real standing laws from around the United
States of America.
1. If you stop at a residence and ask for water and they don't
give it to you. You can sue and win.
2. if you catch someone stealing a horse they can be hung.
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over
65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars
to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house
or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at
least four hours after eating garlic.
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than,
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober"
until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the
bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple
assault," while biting someone with your false teeth
is "aggravated assault."
> BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
> FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
> ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
> FAULT: Improper bladder control.
> ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
> SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
> FAULT: Glass empty.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
> SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
> FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
> ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
> SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
> FAULT: You have fallen forward.
> ACTION: See above.
> SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
> FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
> ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
> SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
> FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
> SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
> FAULT: You are being carried out.
> ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
> SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
> FAULT: Bar has closed.
> ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
> SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
> FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
> ACTION: Cover mouth.
> SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
> FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
> ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
> SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
> FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
> ACTION: Punch him.
> SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
> FAULT: You have been in a fight.
> ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
> SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
> FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
> ACTION: See if they have free beer.
> SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
> FAULT: The beer is too weak.
> ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
> SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
> FAULT: Beer is just right.
> ACTION: Play air guitar.
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need a different suggestion."
"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii, and when I
returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but ..."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda, and when I
returned my wife was pregnant."
"And the year before that, when I went to Bali, I returned
and my wife was pregnant."
"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year so
that I can bring her with me?"
Husband & Wife
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks,
buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now
she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him
how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically,
husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your
for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this
take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
A LITTLE REFLECTION ON LIFE AS A MALE...
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no
passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull
I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad,
impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me
as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic,
but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the
and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.
Hope you all enjoy! Al
Men & Women
MEN and WOMAN .... The Differences
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.
None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap,
and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
This will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
The blind man
There was this woman with huge breasts who was always being
harassed and whistled at by men. She had had enough of this and
decided to join a convent.
One day during the summer the heat was unbearable. Since she was in her office, and no one was there, she took off her clothes exposing her breasts.
Her secretary buzzed her on the phone and said, "Sister Mary-Francis, the blind man is here." She thought for a second and decided to allow the blind man to come in. She figured since he was blind she would not need to get dressed.
When he entered, he said, "WOW! Those are the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Now, where do you want me to put the blinds?"
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
While this woman's husband was at work, her husbands best friend stops by. They talk for a while, and finally he asks her to have sex with him. She says, "Well, I've always been attracted to you, but it wouldn't be right." The man quickly replies, "what if I gave you five thousand dollars?" The Woman thinks to herself that they could definately use the extra money, so she agrees under the condition that her husband would never find out. Excited, the man sets the time for the very next day while the husband is at work again.
The next day comes around, and sure enough the husband's best friend shows up. He rails the wife for a long time and gives her the five thousand dollars. Later on that night, the husband comes home from work. He doesn't say anything to his wife at first and then he asks, "Was my best friend here today?"
The wife replies, "Ummm, yeah." The husband asks, "Did he give you five thousand dollars?" Confused and ashamed, the wife answers, "Yes he did."
The husband looks relieved and says, "Good. He came in this morning and asked me if he could borrow it, but promised to give it back to you by the end of the day."
You know you're a
...The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
...You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
...You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
...You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
...Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
...You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
...You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
...Anyone in your family ever died right after saying:
"Hey, y'all watch this!"
...You've got more than one brother named "Darryl".
...You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
...Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
...You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
...Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
...You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines"
A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agreed to and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100, she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car.
The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were still trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleaded. She replied, "I can't, I'm naked." He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said, "Cover your privates with that and go get help."
She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's too far in."
I Hear You Knocking.
Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.
She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked.
He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."
"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."
"But are you good in bed?" she asked.
He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"
Technology for Country Folk
> 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
> 2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
> 3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
> 4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
> 5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gittin the far wood.
> 6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
> 7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
> 8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time.
> 9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
> 10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
> 11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
> 12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
> 13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
> 14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag.
> 15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
> 16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
> 17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
> 18 KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
> 19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
> 20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
> 21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
> 22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
> 23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
> 24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer the
> rifle when yore wife asks.
> 25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
A couple is married fifty years, and the whole time the wife keeps a locked chest at the foot of their bed. She has the only key, and she keeps it on a chain around her neck. Every time her husband asks what's in the chest, she changes the subject.
Finally, after a party celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he asks her again, and this time she finally opens the chest.
Inside are two ears of corn and $25,000. He says, "What's with the two ears of corn?"
She says, "In the fifty years, every time I cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn."
He figures two ears of corn in fifty years isn't too bad.
Then he says, "What about the $25,000?"
She says, "Well, every time I got a bushel, I sold it."
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says: "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
>>Why do blondes wear so much hair spray?
A:To catch all the things that go over their heads.