The Funnies, page two...

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"You know you're a Redneck if...":

...You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.

...You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

...The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas it has in it.

...You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

...One of your kids was born on a pool table.

...You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

...You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

...Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against
it.

...You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

...You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

...Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

...Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF YOUR 20'S TOO LONG WHEN:

* Your potted plants stay alive.

* Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

* 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

* You carry an umbrella.

* You watch the Weather Channel.

* Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

* Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

* You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't turn
down the stereo.

* Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

* You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

* Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

* You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

* Dinner and a movie - Is The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

* MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

* You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and
pregnancy test kits.

* A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

* Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.

* "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink
that much again."

* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

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Are you getting older?

I bought some of that "Gingkori" that's supposed to improve your
memory, but I forgot where I put it.

You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal
detector.

You know you're getting older when you bend over in the morning to tie
your shoes and realize you didn't take them off the night before.

The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can't outgrow it.

The most frustrating thing about getting older is that every time you
see an expensive antique, you remember one just like it you once threw
away.

She's getting crows feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow
has big feet!

Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical
sites are younger than you are.

You know you're past your prime when every time you suck in your gut,
your ankles swell.

I don't like to do things now that I did 20 years ago--like look in
the mirror.

I'm middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that
white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

Heck, I don't feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.

Sometimes I feel old enough to be my own father.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget
where I parked my car.

You know you're past your prime when you start getting air-guitar
elbow.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

My neighbors have been married for 60 years. They look like identical
twins. One of them wears a dress. I don't know which one.

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Only in America

1. Only in
> America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
> skating
>>rink.
3. Only in America...do drug stores make the sick walk all the way to
> > the
> >>back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
> buy
>>cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large
> fries, and
> >>a diet coke.
5. Only in America..do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
> pens
> >>to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
> > the
> >>driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
> > then
> >>have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
> > to
> >>talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in
> >>packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
> > process
> >>so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "
> bloodsucking
>>creatures."
> > > >>10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> > > >>lettering. and finally,
> > > >>11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a
> cardboard
> > > box
> > > >>and a draft dodger live in the White House.
>
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Top ten

Here are the top ten things you will never hear a tv tech. say:

10. You're supposed to eat food while you use your remote.
9. I sure wish I could replace this bad picture tube with
a Zenith one.
8. Funai / Symphonic Rules!!!
7. Yes, you should always set flowers on top of your TV
and water them abundantly.
6. You are supposed to switch cables behind your TV between
the VCR and Antenna.
5. Yes, we have a cheaper labor rate, but only for people
who ask about it.
4. Of course that horizontal line means the picture tube is bad.
3. Yes, your VCR is ready, and we'll throw in a free can of
insecticide to help out with that roach problem of yours.
2. Thank you for working on this unit first. You sure made my
job a lot easier!

...and...

1. Fuses?!? What fuses?? Just use aluminum foil!!!


From Corey Brazell

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Twas the night

The Bug's a-coming!
>
> 'Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation
> We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation.
>
> The chips were replaced In computers with care,
> in hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there.
>
> While some folks could think They were snug in their
beds
> Others had visions Of dread in their heads.
>
> And Ma with her PC and me with my Mac,
> Had just logged on the Net, And kicked back with a
snack.
>
> When over the server, There arose such a clatter
> I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter.
>
> But he was away, So I flew like a flash
> Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash.
>
> When what with my eyes Should I clearly see?
> My good old Mac Looked sick to me.
>
> The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug,
> I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug.
>
> His image downloaded In no time at all,
> He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall!
>
> Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
> Everything Compaq And Pentium too!
>
> All processors big, All processors small,
> Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!
>
> As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
> Out through the modem, He came with a bound.
>
> He was covered with fur, and slung on his back
> Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack.
>
> His eyes - how the twinkled! His dimples - how merry!
> As midnight approached, though, Things soon became
scary.
>
> He had a broad little face and a round little belly,
> And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly.
>
> He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning,
> And I laughed when I saw him, Though my hard drive
stopped spinning.
>
> A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head,
> Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread.
>
> He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work,
> He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk.
>
> With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink,
> All things electronic Soon went on the blink.
>
> He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line,
> He caused such a disruption, could this be a sign
>
> Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty cry,
> Happy Y2K to all, And kiss your PC good-bye!!
>
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"Gorilla In A Tree"

A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one morning. He
saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.He telephoned an emergency Gorilla
Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived with a stick, a pair of hand
cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner. "I am going to climb the tree,
and poke the Gorilla with this stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained
Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles, and when the Gorilla
instinctively crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself, you slap
on the hand cuffs without delay."

"OK... got it," the homeowner replied. "But what is the shotgun for?"

The technician said, "If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla...
SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"
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Some Things You Just Can't Explain


A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and
kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and
kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to
the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over
the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took
off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment,
my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Some things you just can't explain.
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Bill Clinton, in the country

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road,
when they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to the farm house and
explain to the owners what had happened.
About an hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other
and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?," asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine,
his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter
made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton. The driver replies,
"I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

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Signs You've Had a Bad Date with a Girl
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
She has a thicker mustache than you.
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
She is better hung than you.
She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.
She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.
She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

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Honeymoon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother."Well," said her mother, "so... how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Honey," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, bubeleh, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

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Blind George

> 70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back
> with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great
> physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace
> with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?
>
> George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
> he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the
> bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light
> goes off and when I'm done."
> Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!!"
>
> A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma, he
said,
> "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because
I'm
> in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during
the
> night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the
> light goes off?"
>
> Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
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Silly Signs

On a California freeway:
Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Faux Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton,
North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim
will be suspended

On a Rapid City store:
Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms
or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed
for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent
hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a construction office in England:
We Specialize in Quick Erections

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire,
honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library >>
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